Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships - Understanding Social Interactions for Personal Growth & Better Connections | Perfect for Therapists, Counselors & Self-Help Enthusiasts

_Games People Play_ by Eric Berne is a layman-accessible book on psychology chiefly concerned with the concept of game playing, one I found quite interesting. At its most fundamental level, humans according to Berne seek what he terms a "stroke," just as infants require actual stroking (whether it be literal stroking, a pat on the head, or a hug) to develop healthy in a psychological sense (and to maintain that health), adults require a "stroke" as well (which he defines as the fundamental unit of social action). An exchange of strokes is a transaction, which is the unit of social intercourse. Such an exchange might be as little as a very simple greeting or something far more elaborate. Adults have a hunger not only for stimulus and recognition but also for structure of their waking hours. Most of a person's time is structured by an activity (i.e. "work"), governed by rules called procedures (such as how to bake a cake or fly a plane). Other parts are governed by a person's social programming, which results in ritualistic and semi-ritualistic interchanges with other people, often falling other the general name of "good manners" (examples include generic work greetings and brief conversations about the weather or health). Berne terms semi-ritualistic topical conservations as pastimes, such as cocktail party conversations on cars, bad husbands, or finances. A person's individual programming results in what he terms games. Games are not necessarily "fun" and can be quite grim or serious (as in Berne's book alcoholism falls under game playing). In the end the author wrote that ultimately true intimacy - where social patterning and ulterior motivations give way - is more desirable than either a pastime or a game (both of which are substitutes). Key to structural analysis and an understanding of game play is the concept of the ego state. An ego state is a coherent set of feelings and behavior patterns in an individual, all interrelated. Each person has three such ego states, the exteropsychic or Parent ego state, the individual's parental instincts and experiences and vital to enable one to raise actual children and a state that makes many responses in life automatic, freeing one from the burden of innumerable trivial decisions ; the psychic or Adult state, directed towards an autonomous, objective appraisal and handling of reality, the state most needed for survival; and the archaeopsychic or Child state, representing archaic behavioral patterns fixed in early childhood, where in a person resides "intuition, creativity, and spontaneous drive and enjoyment," (the author rejects the term childish as negative and prejudicial). Getting back to the concept of transaction, Berne writes that simple transactional analysis is concerned with determining which ego state provided transactional stimulus and which state responded in a given situation. Transactions may be complimentary, such as Child-Parent interaction, where a fevered child asks for a glass from a nurturing mother; these transactions are expected and are part of natural, healthy human relationships. However, a crossed transaction occurs in which the stimulus is one group of ego-states (such as Adult-Adult, when one asks another for instance where one's keys are) and the appropriate response within that set of ego states (such as Adult-Adult answer on the desk) is not given, but instead the response of another ego state (a Child response might be you always blame me for losing your keys). Crossed transactions may not always be obvious, and these ulterior transactions are the basis for games and the primary subject of this book. Ulterior transactions involve the activity of more than two ego states simultaneously and may be of two main types. Angular transactions involve three ego states, and while ostensibly, on the social level, may be directed between two particular ego states (such as say Adult-Adult), really the ulterior or psychological vector is at another ego state (such as say perhaps a social Adult stimulus designed to and provoking a Child response). A duplex ulterior transaction involves four ego states (such as in flirting; on the surface it might appear Adult-Adult but in reality is Child-Child); most games are of this type of transaction. Games, which he distinguishes from superficially similar procedures, rituals, and pastimes, are sets of complimentary ulterior transactions that progress to a well-defined, predictable outcome. Games are inherently dishonest (by definition procedures, rituals, and pastimes are candid) and the sought payoff is dramatic, often negative for one of the parties involved. The bulk of the book is detailed with classifying and discussing a number of games. Dividing games into seven categories (Life, Marital, Party, Sexual, Underworld, Consulting Room, and Good), he discusses the structure of these games, the roles involved, the sought after payoff, as well as the antithesis of a game, how to recognize and move beyond or end a game. An example is the first game he discusses, that of Alcoholic (which by the way can involve other substances). The central thesis of this game could be written as look how bad I have been and see if you can stop me and the aim, the payoff, is self-castigation. For this game to be played, it requires of course the Alcoholic, as well the Persecutor (the chief supporting role), the Rescuer, and the Patsy (an enabler in some sense). The Social paradigm is Adult-Adult, but in reality the game's Psychological paradigm is Parent-Child. The antithesis is difficult, but in essence involves the therapist moving away from any of the established roles of Persecutor or Rescuer and refusing to play the game. A great many games are discussed in the book, some I found a bit hard to accept, others I readily recognized in my daily life. Most of them were quite sad and negative, particularly ones like Kick Me, See What You Made Me Do, and Frigid Woman, though a very few were constructive and beneficial to society, like Happy To Help and Cavalier. Somewhat chilling to think much of human social interaction if game play, after reading this I don't want to play games!